There is no longer any need to prove that loving yourself is a prerequisite for loving others. It takes many years to learn who we are and take our rightful place in our lives. This could discourage many people from embarking on the adventure of meeting someone, whether for friendship or love, in order to avoid suffering or causing suffering! And yet...

Relationships are a place of learning

Relationships are a rich source of learning about ourselves and others. They are paths to personal development and, if we manage to calm our demons, they are grounds for happiness and exhilaration! So we need to reassure and support any new attempts at relationships that may be coming our way. And to dare to move forward on the road to encounter.

Quite often, our relationships are distorted and dysfunctional. We approach the relationship and the person in front of us with our own words, our own representations, our own history, our wounds, our cells etc.; and the person in front of us does the same thing. We are trapped by the mind. If we leave it at that, many attempts will be in vain and much suffering will be added, and we'll probably give up before we lose ourselves in it... because we'll be trying to protect ourselves... the heart. Love cannot exist.

This kind of behaviour can lead to great loneliness and a lack of self-esteem, if these situations are tolerated out of protection. What a shame to do so much harm to yourself.

Observe the situation to get out of victim status

Recognising and accepting who I am, with my difficulties, and who the other person is, with theirs, is a great liberation. Because we then seek to evolve, to get out of the situation, rather than suffer what doesn't suit us. If we recognise that we are in disagreement with ourselves, we create acceptance and calm within ourselves. Each disagreement leads us to a better understanding. Disagreement often manifests itself in the form of emotion or tension. Observing this within ourselves, giving it space, allows us to move forward.

Then, bringing it into contact with the other person through communication is a step towards the possibility of development.

Why not work together to build a relationship, instead of pursuing an ideal (what the other person should be for me)?

 When I communicate with the other person and take care of that communication, I can develop knowledge, not an emotion. I observe myself and learn about myself and the other person. Emotional communication (what I feel), respectful communication and self-knowledge (I am this person, these are my strengths and weaknesses) are a way of building a more harmonious relationship. I'm able to respect the other person from the moment I get to know them and our limits. I can respect the other person and myself if I love myself. I can be more authentic and generate less suffering in what we experience together.  From the moment we want to build a relationship, it is essential to communicate our instructions to the other person so that the relationship is richer and based on freedom of being.

The relationship is a place for sharing "wholeness" together

We can work together to build a fairer relationship. I'm going to love you for who you are, not because I need you. If my ego is more at peace because I love myself enough and do everything that's good for me, then I'm not going to ask you to give me what I need to be happy, because I know exactly what I need. The other person will share my joy in life, not build it. This considerably lightens the relationship.

Our past locks us in, so let's change the way we see ourselves

Couples who have been together for more than 20 years sometimes arrive at marriage counselling with the impression that they don't know, or no longer know, the other person. It's normal, we haven't learned to communicate our emotions and feelings, and sometimes we don't even know what's going on inside us. This generates fear rooted in our history: how were our sufferings received in our past? If they were given space, we can express them more easily without fear, but if they were banished, they will have difficulty coming out. They can even create a very negative image of ourselves.

The development of this emotional communication is possible in the presence of respectful people who will be able to receive your emotions without judgement or constraint. Choose the right people to talk to.

Certain attitudes seem very appropriate to this journey towards yourself and towards others. Both for yourself and for the people listening to you.

• Letting go of the mind (of our representations, our beliefs, our negative experiences)
• The absence of judgement (first of all of yourself)
• The openness that allows us to move forward rather than resist (everything I experience is a learning experience)
• Kindness towards ourselves and towards others when we become aware of what is happening.

Taking care of your own happiness is a priority if you want to be happy and bring well-being to your relationship. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself urgently and become an actor in your own well-being.

Sophie Mercier

Marriage and family counsellor.